practice

Revising:

1) Are there too many “its” in this paragraph? Some might be effective use of repetition. What do you think? This type of surgery sends a twisted message to our children. It says that we as a people are not happy with the way we look and have taken it upon ourselves to fix it. To some this might show strength but in actuality it shows a weakness greater than one can imagine. It would show more strength for a person to stand up in defense if they were called “fat”. It would show more strength to take pride in the way they looked and not allow the insecurities of others to influence their behavior. It would certainly show more strength to judge people by their actions rather than their body type. Cosmetic surgery promotes all the wrong things. It should not, and cannot be used in the way it currently is. If this abuse of the medical advancement continues, then the human race will continue to judge and exclude others because of their appearances.  REVISION! YEAAHHH! This type of surgery sends a twisted message to our children, saying that we as a people are not happy with the way we look, and have taken it upon ourselves to adjust. To some, this might show strength, but in actuality it shows a weakness greater than one can imagine. It shows more strength for a person to stand up in defense if they were called “fat”. It would show more strength to take pride in the way they looked and not allow the insecurities of others to influence their behavior. It would certainly show more strength to judge people by their actions rather than their body type. Cosmetic surgery promotes all the wrong things, it should not, and cannot, be used in the way it currently is. If this abuse of the medical advancement continues, then the human race will continue to judge and exclude others because of their appearances.

2) A fun, well –researched short story. But is there a way to combine these sentences differently? He was a brilliant scientist who told me that he wanted a kid but had no wife at such an old age and that my parents died in a car crash when I was six months old. He raised me to be a very proactive smart boy by taking me too many sports activities ,and he made me get tutored a lot even though I got good grades.

3) Nothing wrong here, but what could you do to make this tighter? Stem Cells can be found in most multi-cellular organisms. They have the ability to join with other cells and begin mimicking the way the cells around them function. This property is very valuable due to the fact that it can be used to repair some, if not all parts of the human body.

Revision: Stem Cells are found in most multi-celluar organisms. They have the ability to join with other cells, and begin mimicking surrounding cell's functions. This property is very valuable because it can repair some, if not all parts of the human body. 4) Strong argument, but how can it be phrased in a better way? One of the most commonly heard arguments is that marijuana is too highly addictive. However, it is a scientifically proven fact that marijuana is less addictive than tobacco or alcohol. Even caffeine is more addicting than it.

Revision: One of the most common arguments against the use of marijuana is that it is too highly addictive. However, it has been proven that marijuana is less addictive than tobacco, alcohol, or even caffeine.

Revision2: One of the most commonly heard arguments is that marijuana is too highly addictive. However, Marijuana is scientifically proven to be less addictive than tobacco or alcohol. Example: The Winslow family visited Canada and Alaska last summer to find some native American art. In Anchorage stores they found some excellent examples of soapstone carvings. But they couldn't find a dealer selling any of the woven wall hangings they wanted. They were very disappointed when they left Anchorage empty-handed.

Revision: The Winslow family visited Canada and Alaska last summer to find some native American art, such as soapstone carvings and wall hangings. Anchorage stores had many soapstone items available. Still, they were disappointed to learn that wall hangings, which they had especially wanted, were difficult to find. Sadly, they left empty-handed.

Example: Many really good blues guitarists have all had the last name King. They have been named Freddie King and Albert King and B.B. King. The name King must make a bluesman a really good bluesman. The bluesmen named King have all been very talented and good guitar players. The claim that a name can make a guitarist good may not be that far fetched.